Jack Bauer goes to jail…like that could hold him

The government thought they finally won. Despite saving America six times in six days, Jack Bauer was a wanted man and ended up going to jail last night because of some trumped up DUI charges. He was using one of his aliases, “Keifer Sutherland“, at the time of the arrest, but it wasn’t a very good cover apparently.

I mean, everyone knows what Jack Bauer looks like. Plus he was wearing this t-shirt.

And they aren’t playing around here. Not only was he supposed to perform kitchen duties and wash laundry, according to my inside source TMZ, but he was also stripped naked and ordered to wear a *gulp* orange jumpsuit…

Of all the torture Jack has inflicted on his enemies over his life (whacked off heads, suffocation, drugs, Kim), nothing can compare to the ultimate humiliation of looking like a giant carrot.

They should have known better.

Now, the account that follows is not my own, obviously, but of my most secret inside source at the jail…we’ll just call him Prison Mike ->.

Lights-out was called, and all was quiet. The kitchen staff never noticed the missing spatula, mostly because they were too distracted by the sheen coming off of the clean dishes and the absence of stains that had dominated the stove for years.

Jack doesn’t mess around.

Prison Mike said one of the titanium bars holding Jack’s cell was loose. Not enough for a mere mortal to use to his advantage, but Jack plucked the thing like a toothpick out of the floor and used it to tie the rest of the bars together into a big knot, thus allowing him an opening to escape.

Running down the hallway, Jack yanked a hair out of his head and used it to pick the lock of the next two doors. A couple of guards jumped out of a side closet, but the glare of Jack’s eyes caused them to melt right in front of him like ice cream on a hot street. He scanned over their remains, the guns, batons and pepper spray, but only took what he really needed: Shoelaces.

As he turned to make for the door he was pulled aside by someone.

“What the frak, you’re dead man!” said Jack, stunned at the sight of Tony Almeida standing before him, missing a few body parts from the explosion in season 5.

“I know Jack, but come on, no one ever dies on this show. Let’s go, President Palmer is waiting for us outside. He never was assassinated, they used Claire’s blood to bring him back to life.”

Jack’s head swooned for a moment and then they took off down the hall.

Suddenly a bazooka fired at them, coming from a group of 20 guards, all armed with machine guns. Jack quickly tied together the two shoelaces he stole off the melted men earlier and lassoed the projectile in midair. He flung it back down the hall, destroying the attacking group and opening a hole in the side of the jail.

Tony and Jack burst outside and found Palmer waiting.

“Sir, it’s amazing to see you again, the last time I saw you there was a hole in your head from a…”

He never finished the sentence as another bullet was shot into Palmer’s head, killing him instantly.

“Dammit, are you kidding me? Again?” exclaimed Bauer.

“Sorry Jack, you know how the story goes, there is always a traitor you never see coming. That’s me this time,” Tony confessed, a smoking pistol in his right hand. “And now you will die, just as we’ve planned all along.”

The bullet fired straight at Jack, but he spit out the spatula he had stolen earlier and hid in his stomach. Wielding the steel pancake flipping tool, he deflected the shot from Tony and then flung it at him boomerang style.

Tony’s head fell down onto the lawn outside the jail, and Jack walked up to him.

“As someone from another network said the other day, ‘there’s no coming back from that’.”

—–

So sayeth Prison Mike. Sound impossible? Maybe.

But he’s on the loose. And those guys who arrested him better watch out.

No one makes Jack Bauer wash dishes.