Let the embarrassment sink in Chuck…it’s going to be awhile before you brush this off.
Last week in Round 2 of Ultimate Bad Ass, the Chuck Norris bracket featured Norris against Han Solo, while Jason Bourne took on John Rambo.
Bourne easily dispatched the older, slower Rambo with a 17-8 margin of victory, but the second matchup was much more shocking.
After being ranked #1 overall and getting the bracket named after him, Norris fell to Han Solo, 16-9.
I’ve never been a huge Chuck Norris fan, but I am still surprised he lost already. The way the whole competition got started in the first place was the discussion about who would win between Norris and Jack Bauer.
I guess we’ll never get that matchup now, but perhaps we already know it would turn out.
And now it’s time to vote on our final matchup of the Chuck Norris Jason Bourne bracket.
#2 Jason Bourne versus #3 Han Solo
When Han fought Norris, it was argued that he’d win because he was more prepared, as in the fight with Greedo in Star Wars. However, now he’s met his match in enemies “prepared” for a fight. Although Bourne doesn’t have a blaster to compete with Solo, some might argue that he must have the force on his side considering how easy it is for him to kick ass.
[poll id="30"]
Han Solo sits at a table in the Mos Eisley awaiting his matchup with the famed Jason Bourne. Having beaten the heavily favored Chuck Norris in the bracket named for him, Solo has won the right to pick the location of this last duel before the finals. Solo has chosen Mos Eisley, a wretched dive of scum and villainy – a place where Solo feels at home – because he knows Bourne will stick out like a sore thumb. Solo is ready for him. His blaster is already drawn under the table, Solo’s finger is on the trigger. Greedo met his fate in this very bar. Solo chuckles to himself as he thinks about how he will get the drop on Bourne just as he did Greedo. Some may find this sort of fighting “unfair,” but this is, after all, the Quarterfinals of the Ultimate Bad Ass Competition. One can never be too careful. That thought brings to mind another time when Solo was smuggling guns from…
Unfortunately, that was the last thought Solo ever had.
While he was doing all the thinking, Jason Bourne snuck up behind him and put a knife through the back of his neck, severing his spinal cord and killing him instantly. Han Solo’s body leaned forward against the table. Jason Bourne was nowhere to be seen.
Due to the stealthy nature of the attack, officials had to watch video footage to make a ruling that it was, in fact, Jason Bourne who had killed Han Solo. Video footage, when slowed down, confirmed the kill. Chewbacca, Han Solo’s presumed lookout, was later found tied down in an alley way – his body hair completely shaven.
Jason Bourne wins.
LOL, body hair completly shaven…. I think though its hive not dive… classic Jason…
I picked Bourne – but this is a pretty close match up…
I think it is going to end up being Bourne v. Bauer…that might be an interesting final.
So far this has been pretty good.
The Trousered Apes last blog post..Who was Jesus of Nazareth? Parts 5 thru 10 of 10 with Dr. Craig
Also very surprised Chuck is not here, who else can get the boogey-man to check under his bed for Chuck Norris? I picked Bourne in this as well, the killer match-up so to speak, would be the battle of the JB’s (Jack Bauer vs Jason Bourne)… have to wait and see if thats what happens
Solo could only win if his blaster worked, but since Bourne disassembled it, he is officially SOL. Bourne wins in a landslide.
Han Solo vs. Chuck Norris was a travesty. FWIW, there are only 2 non-Jedi badasses in the Star Wars films – Boba Fett (Boba Fett? Where?
) and Darth Maul. Han’s a smuggler, not a fighter. For that reason, I have to disagree that Solo vs. Bourne is a good match up. Part of the issue is that people voting for Solo are voting based on one of two things: popularity, as he is most certainly a likable rogue, or the Greedo incident. The Greedo incident is the ONE time he did anything remotely badasslike, however this fact must be viewed in light of the fact that Greedo was an idiotic n00b, and pretty much anyone with half a brain could have wiped the floor with him. So in the end, the one thing he did wasn’t even really bad ass.
Han Solo bagged the Princess…he’s bad ass in my book
She needed a bag…
@Robert – Which is why, when Solo tried the same trick on Bourne, he got a knife to the back of the neck…and Chewbacca, sadly, was shaved… Just not bad ass enough to face Bourne.
Apparently at the time she didn’t need a bag, just a baggie…
@Robert LOL
@ Cap’n “she needed a bag” – rotfl – hilarious.
The Trousered Apes last blog post..Who was Jesus of Nazareth? Parts 5 thru 10 of 10 with Dr. Craig
Well I guess in honor of Chuck not moving on in his own bracket, we need to have this reminder about the greatness of ole Chuck….
http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/
Bourne is cleaning the floor with Chuck. Guess that’s what he gets for being so short all the time.
The Trousered Apes last blog post..Who was Jesus of Nazareth? Parts 5 thru 10 of 10 with Dr. Craig
Do you mean w/ Han Solo?
D’oh!
Bourne is making the sound of one Han slapping…
The Trousered Apes last blog post..Who was Jesus of Nazareth? Parts 5 thru 10 of 10 with Dr. Craig
LOL, is that blaster fire I hear in the background?
Chewy was shaved! LOL! Oh my God I just about peed in my pants imagining him with no hair. I bet he’d look like a Chihuahua.
He’s probably like that bugs bunny orange hair monster, with just two eyes and gloves you see, if they shaved him there wouldnt be anything there….
Ladies, please tell me that this contest included Lee Marvin and Charles Bronson. If not, I call FARCE!!! Either of them would have destroyed Bourne via the Ultimate Glare of Bad Ass Doom-faster than Bourne, or light itself. If that didn’t cut it out/off and feed it to him, it would have been the gravelly yet quiet storms of their Bad Ass voices-like Bene Gesserit(sp?) witches, bitches. Of course, if they had faced eachother, it would have simply cancelled out and created a massive black hole in the bad-ass universe…I’m so gonna have nightmares tonight-Bad Ass Nightmares.
@ Cap’n – I don’t hear LL Cool J rappin’ “Mama said knock you out” quite yet, but anything can happen.
@ Erad, interesting names, but just a bit too old to fight.
Maybe next time we’ll do “Ultimate Geezer” to see who wins that.
Steve McQueen, Sean Connery, Roger Moore, Charles Bronson…etc.
Agree with Mike, but Bronson was certainly a bad ass back in his day.
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Erad68315… that sounds like a prison #… Marvin wasnt a bad ass, in fact theres a reason hes dead already… Bronson would have been a good choice…but taking Bourne or Bauer or hell even Captain Kirk… no prayer…
@Kory, oh thx bud, now I’m singin that song …doh!