Original, unused teleplay for “Lost” pilot episode

I was sent this little gem by Richard, one of our guest writers here, and I totally loved it, so of course I’m passing it on to you.

What we have here is an “unused” teleplay for the original pilot to Lost, written by Andrew Bridgman.

Of course, it’s sort of what Lost might be like if it were a comedy. Here is an excerpt from the first few lines of it:

JACK: OK, everyone, gather round. I’m Jack. We crashed on this island. I’m kind of an alcoholic, and I had a really complicated relationship with my father, Christian, who was also an alcoholic.

CLAIRE: Christian Shepherd? That’s my dad, too!

JACK: No way!

SAWYER: Oh, yeah, I know that guy, too. I met him at a bar. He’s proud of you.

JACK: You met my dad?

SAWYER: Yeah, I met him right before I killed this guy I thought had ruined my life as a child. He was a con man who went by “Sawyer” and had an affair with my mother and then my dad found out and killed her and himself. It was ugly.

LOCKE: No way! That sounds just like my dad! He stole my kidney and then paralyzed me.

KATE: Paralyzed people can’t walk.

LOCKE: Don’t tell me what I can’t do! I can walk now, obviously. I think this island is magic or something crazy like that.

Now, you must go finish reading it over on McSweeney’s site. One of the most clever, funniest things I’ve read in awhile.