EPISODE ONE

We begin episode one of Hard Knocks (2008) Training Camp with the Dallas Cowboys with shots of Jason Witten, Tony Romo, and Martellus Bennett leaving their homes and families. Blah, blah, blah. They have more money than you and I do combined so their houses are big and fancy. Yada yada yada… yeah, your families will miss you but not your money.

The players arrive at training camp in Oxnard, CA. Yeah, Oxnard. I know. It’s the most ridiculous name for a city. It was probably named after someone so I’m sorry if I offended the Oxnard family, but yo, seriously… that’s a ridiculous name. Anyway, there’s a pretty funny moment when Terrell Owens, or T.O. as I like to call him (original I know) arrives and a couple of the players are asking what his reporting weight is. So they ask, “2 what? 2 what?” As in two hundred and how many pounds. T.O. calmly replies, “Too sexy.” Good stuff.

Say what you want about Mr. Owens, but the guy just cracks me up. My favorite quote of his is, “I love me some me!” Classic. That being said, T.O. knows how to market himself and has a line of sporting T-shirts that he is selling on his website – TO Tees where you can buy the iLove Me Some Me T-shirt among several others. Check it out! Coming soon: a photo of me lovin’ me some me.

One impressive piece of footage included Adam Jones catching 6 punts without letting go of any of the footballs. Patrick Crayton tries and falls down while trying to catch his fifth. I’m not sure I could hold 6 footballs at one time, much less catch a punt while holding multiple footballs. That’s crazy talent that can never be used in the course of an actual football game. Kind of like my uncanny ability to dance like a white boy. Totally useless skill. It never got me any girls. FYI, Crayton was able to tie Jones with 6 punts caught without dropping a football by the end of the episode.

We also get to meet Keon Lattimore and find out he’s All-Pro Linebacker Ray Lewis’s little brother. That’s really not a big deal to me. I could care less who his brother is. The question is whether or not he can play. So far in this camp, it seems he has been less than impressive. I say he will get cut and not make the team. He would have had absolutely zero impact anyway as a back up to Marion Barber and Felix Jones. The good news is that the Cowboys are upgraded at running back compared to last year. You can definitely quote me on that.

When Felix Jones reported to camp after finally getting his contract “issue” resolved, he quickly got manhandled by a linebacker blitzing in the backfield. The show then cuts to Marion Barber to show his experience in blocking. As you’ll see in the video, Marion Barber takes on a linebacker in a blocking drill and blows him up. Second year linebacker Tyson Smith couldn’t stand up after that hit. Oh snap!

The expectations on the Cowboys are basically Super Bowl or bust. Yet, the past two seasons they have lost the very first playoff game in which they participated. That would normally be a tall order, but the Cowboys return an NFL record 13 Pro-Bowlers. While the ultimate goal is to win the Super Bowl, we learn that only two current Cowboys have Super Bowl rings. Backup quarterback Brad Johnson when he was with Tampa Bay and wide receiver Todd Lowber who was on the New York Giants practice squad last year.

The best part of the show was the rookie hazing. The veterans took bananad and added what looks like two tomatoes and attached them at the base to form a falic symbol microphone. The rookies had to say their name, school, signing bonus, and sing a song. Drew Atchison stole the show, but I don’t want to ruin it so just watch the video below and you’ll be laughing.

Overall, the first episode was very entertaining. I’m excited to see the rest of the episodes and see how they treat the emotions of those that get cut and of those that still have a chance. Stay tuned!

• A big thanks to Awful Announcing for putting together the highlights of this season of Hard Knocks.