…Lacey Thornfield.

Things aren’t shiny for Wendy.

Who You Gonna Call?

While scanning various frequencies, Ida picks up a call from nearby Reitman University. Seems a call came in from a sorority regarding ghosts.

It may all seem like light and magic at first but the next thing you know the walls are bleeding and you’ve got 25 pregnant women running around screaming Mary, Mary, Mary! And clawing their eyes out with knitting needles while your own hair grows to three times its length and tries to strangle you.

Louis, a frat pledge, had dressed as a girl to sneak into the third floor of Omega Theta Nu, but when he got there he saw a ghost. As it turns out, he had his pineal gland removed during surgery, and as *everyone* knows, that lets you see and hear ghosts.

Going undercover as an ΩΘΝ from State, Wendy wears a pair of glasses especially crafted by Ida to duplicate the pineal gland-ectomy. Wendy won’t be able to hear the ghosts, but she will be able to see them.

That turns out to be a mixed blessing.

See, these aren’t your run of the mill ghosts. No, these run of the sorority house ghosts are actually alive.

Oh Chrissy Seaver, You Sure Did Grow Up Purty

I’m old enough to have been freaked out when Punky Brewster grew up all hot and bothersome, so I wasn’t quite as shocked by Ashley Johnson‘s appearance on tonight’s episode. But it’s still disconcerting. (Hold on. I’ve got to yell at some kids to turn down their music and get off my lawn. Okay, I’m back.) Makes me feel old, you know?

Wendy went to all the trouble, and it was trouble, learning the official ΩΘΝ handshake and cheer from Lacey – Barbara Thornfield, MD, PhD was a sister – and then when she showed up no one used the handshake. Eleanor Drake said they only use hugs.

When Wendy gets a moment of privacy and calls Middleman on the Middlewatch, she tells him the ghosts she’s seen are still alive.

Middleman: Ghosts of the Living!
Wendy: Is that one of your snappy exclamations or are you just defining what we’re up against?
Middleman: A little of both I suppose.

Ali, one of the non-spectrally displaced sisters, doesn’t trust Wendy at first, but comes around when Wendy gives her the handshake. When she gets an opportunity – with the sorority cheering for Wendy – Ali dishes. Eleanor had been brought in as an “emergency pledge” a few weeks earlier at the same time the executive board began acting strange. Now, it seems the officers are doing the bidding of Eleanor.

Middleman rushes to Wendy’s aid and pulls her out. Back at Middleman HQ they pull Eleanor Jean Draper’s records. She’s a genius. An evil genius. Hell, she even won the Egon Spengler award for Physics!

Bosom Buddy

With her glasses broken, Wendy can neither see nor hear the ghost girls, so she brings Louis back to ΩΘΝ with her. In drag. He looks nothing like Jennifer Love Hewitt in that dress, but he repeats what the ghosts say to Wendy. She discovers that Eleanor kicked them out of their bodies and replaced them with her friends. Middleman heads to the physics lab.

Using a Quantum Processor, Eleanor has taken over the bodies of the sorority’s alpha females. Because they rejected her! As Middleman tries to take out the equipment, he discovers his weapon won’t fire. Eleanor’s tech knocks out radio communication and his gun. She jumps onto a slab and plugs herself in, knocking Middleman’s ethereal spirit out of his body!

Right now, I just want to say how great a job I think Matt Keeslar does in this episode playing as Eleanor inhabiting his body. Sure, he might get a little too high pitched some of the time, but the way he turns his upright, square jawed body into that of a 20-year-old girl is spot on.

Especially when he and Dubby fight. We’ll get to that.

Oda Mae Brown, Meet Louis Tully

When Eleanor-in-Middleman meets back up with Wendy, s/he tells her that all is well. Head home. Job well done. Wendy does just that, only to discover Lacey and Tyler still enjoying their daylong first date. Opting not to be a third wheel for at Vegan Palace, Wendy hangs all alone. Finally too bummed to take it any longer (because even her beloved bad-zombie movie reminds her of Tyler) she calls Ali. She hears a bacchanalia in the background.

Wendy: Hey what’s all that noise? Sounds like Caligula is raging in the living room.
Ali: I don’t know who Caligula is, but if she’s like a total drunken slut, then yeah.
Then Ali tells Wendy that her “brother”, Middleman, is there.

Ali hangs up and heads for the door. As she opens it, she sees Louis outside. Middleman’s ghost is there, and speaking through Louis. Wanting to be sure, Wendy asks for some piece of information only he would know. She’s positive it’s her boss when Louis repeats, “Dubby, I’m afraid I can’t divulge sensitive Middlesecrets though a civilian interpreter.”

They head for the sorority house where Middleman has her use a grenade that bums everyone out. That does it. Now Eleanor’s plan of having the house shut down for throwing a rager is shot down.

Which brings us to the aforementioned fight between Eleanor-in-Middleman and Wendy. A weird girl-on-almost-girl fight. Wendy’s got Sensei Ping’s training, but Middleman’s body has muscle memory. A shot to the jewels gets Eleanor-in-Middleman’s attention, but Wendy celebrates too soon as Eleanor-in-Middleman knocks her out and runs to the Middlemobile.

Curses, Foiled Again!

In the Middlecar, Eleanor is given several destination options: church, the creamery, top-secret headquarters, or the duck pond. Eleanor chooses Middleman HQ.

When she comes to, Wendy lets Ida know this isn’t the real Middleman, but Eleanor has hacked Middlecomms and locks HQ down. She sets the self-destruct sequence, knowing she’ll end up back in her own body safe and sound while Middleman will be permanently unmoored. Unfortunately for Eleanor and fortunately for Middlefans, Wendy, Louis, and Middleghost get to the physics lab and shut down the Quantum Processor.

That’s it for Eleanor. Except of course for that trip to Greenland to use her scientific knowledge for good instead of evil ends.

Oh Yeah, Tyler

During the party, Ali takes Wendy’s phone and tells Lacey quite clearly that Wendy likes Tyler. Lacey’s confused, because Wendy had said she didn’t care, but gets it. She and Tyler break up. Freeing Tyler to wander over to the Booty Chest for wings and clarity. While he was there, one of the busboys and he get to talking and Tyler discovers it was not Lacey with whom he’d flirted during his two-day bout of amnesia, but Wendy.

Wendy and Tyler decide to watch Zombies of Mora Tau – the perfect zombie palette cleanser – and eat wings together.

Shout-outs

This week’s “hidden” popculture theme was Ghost Busters. Sort of interesting considering what Jason reported the other day about a possible Ghost Busters reunion.

• 55 Ray Parker Jr. Ave
• Stantz and Zeddemore
• Reitman uni
• Louis (obviously Tully)
• Keymaster and Gatekeeper
• Egon Spengler award

In addition to the GB themed references, there were a few other references of note. First off, Wendy compares Omega Theta Nu to Mos Eisley. Then when she gets to the physics lab to shut down Eleanor’s Quantum Processor, she proclaims, “holy Wachowski brothers!”

What did everyone else think?

R.A. Porter is an aspiring television writer who currently toils away in the software mines. He can be found at his personal blog and stalked on Twitter.

Great Randolph Scott!

Wendy Watson‘s got a big night ahead of her. The night prior, she killed a giant pig-insect hybrid in the back of the Middlemobile and now she’s got to muck it out. That leaves Middleman with an evening free to catch the twilight matinee at a neighborhood revival theater. His favorite hero, Randolph Scott, is gracing the silver screen in Ride Lonesome. But someone’s on his tail. And that someone is Lacey Thornfield.

Lacey’s crush on sexy bossman has brought her to this, following he of the “pillow lips” to a western revival. The sexual tension between the two of them is the highest it’s yet been, with each breath and stutteriffic utterance from Middleman clearly limning his feelings. Lacey’s book is open just as wide. They decide to sit together…in the otherwise empty theater. There was no organic, cruelty-free vegan candy for Lacey, but Middleman brings her a water while he pours himself a tall milk from his hip flask.

Of course, the Middlewatch goes off and Middleman has to head back to MiddlemanHQ, but not before Lacey gives him her number.

A Cursed Tuba?

Showing up at the Peckinpaugh Hotel, they discover a body, “drowned in the icy waters of the North Atlantic.” Perfectly normal, except for the part where the body is in bed, and there was no sign of forced entry of the water. CSI on the scene, Cecil Rogers, tells the Middleduo his on-the-spot findings. The salination levels of the water definitely indicate its North Atlantic origins.

Middleman’s got a little man-crush on the efficiency and knowledge of the charming CSI. So much so, that he gets the wool pulled over his eyes after Cecil takes off and the real CSI show up.

Back at MiddleHQ, Ida gets them info on the victim while Dubby draws a picture of Cecil for facial recognition scans. We’ll find out more about the phony CSI later. Now, we find out that Artie Atkins – Double A – was a fence. His partner, Johnny John, is home at 8660 Hawks Lane, Apt. 9.

A real schlub of a guy, he wants the Middleagents to hold off because he’s got a real hottie inside. He asks if they know how rare that is and with a quick glance up and down, Dubby tells him she does indeed. Ouch. They wait outside while Johnny John goes back in and goes at it.

Sounds of sex ensue: springs springing; headboard crashing; bloodcurdling screams from Johnny John. Wait. That can’t be right! Kicking in the door, Dubby and Middleman find a succubus attacking him. She’s after the tuba the portly paisan and his partner stole. Uh-oh. Looks like Roxy Wasserman is up to no good.

At Famouse Fashion House, Middleman and Dubby walk in with their captive succubus. MM gives Roxy a solid right hook and starts yelling. Roxy broke her deal. She’s collecting magical artifacts. But it turns out Roxy was up to good, not no good. Good! She’s just trying to find the cursed tuba before its e-flat rumble kills all who hear it. Really. They drown in the icy waters of the North Atlantic. It’s a cursed tuba, you see.

Hide the Tuba

Back at MiddleHQ, Ida starts a search for the tuba. She gets a lot of hits. Every time someone mentions a tuba, emails the word, writes it on the web…she gets a hit. This is going to take a while. Long enough for Wendy to head back to the illegal sublet she shares with Lacey and for Middleman to take another shot at seeing the end of his movie.

Wendy’s a little saddened when she gets home. Lacey’s dolled up and takes off as soon as she gets a text. Wendy’s alone. But Lacey isn’t. She’s back at the theater to see Ride Lonesome with sexy bossman. And this time he’s brought cruelty-free vegan candy for her.

Unfortunately, the Middlewatch goes off again. He’s never seen the end of the movie. Lacey tells him she’ll watch it for him so she can tell him how it ends. Honestly? Might have been the sweetest moment I’ve seen on TV in this calendar year.

Ida’s hit is gold. Arturo Arroyo, the teenaged son of the Peckinpaugh’s manager, is thrilled to finally have a tuba. He’s headed to band auditions at his school. Dubby and MM head there to save those kids, but Cecil Rogers gets to Edward J. Smith HS ahead of the Middleteam and steals the tuba. Outside, he’s shot and loses the tuba to his attacker. Then, the bullet wound heals and he comes back from the dead.

(And now a brief moment to complain about our sponsor. They run the new JCPenney ad that’s supposed to be an homage to the Breakfast Club. Stop crapping on my youth! Okay, back to our program.)

Cecil is in fact, immortal. As long as the tuba is intact, that is. He was the tuba player on the Titanic. While the ship was sinking, instead of playing with the string quartet, he wrapped his tuba in a blanket and said it was his three-year-old. With that cruel lie, he sealed his fate and that of his large, brass instrument. His curse is intertwined with that of the vile instrument of sonic death.

In ’55, Cecil stashed the tuba in a bank vault and started living guilt- and worry-free. Until Titanic fetishist Arthur Mendelson hired Double A and Johnny John to steal the tuba. And tonight, on his private ocean liner (three feet longer than the Queen Mary and 86 feet longer than Titanic) he will unveil it to all the Titanic collectors of note.

Save the Last Dance for Me

Lacey does Dubby’s hair and expresses some small jealousy over the date-like arrangements of the evening. So when Middleman and Wendy show up on the liner in period attire – a dashing tux and a gorgeous gown – it’s little surprise when they are joined moments later by Noser and Lacey in white tie and smokin’ hot dress. See, Lacey’s mom – Barbara Thornfield, MD PhD – knows Arthur Mendelson and Lacey called her (assistant) and got tickets.

Moser gets in a little Styx love just at the ship starts, “sailing away into the virgin sea” and Middleman and Dubby go looking for the tuba. They find it, after using Sensei Ping‘s Twisted Stones on Johnny John and two other goons, but get knocked out before they can destroy it.

Coming to in the engine room, they find they’ve been handcuffed by Arthur Mendelson who just doesn’t believe in the curse.

But Cecil does. And he realizes that this is the perfect opportunity to kill all the Titanic collectors and fetishists at one time, thereby taking out everyone who knows about the curse of the tuba. If no one knows it’s cursed, no one will try to take it or destroy it, and he can live forever, unconcerned.

Up in the ballroom, Lacey wants to find Wendy and MM. She’s getting pretty jealous. Poor Noser just wants to finish his lobster dinner, but that doesn’t matter. Middleman texts Lacey to come help them.

Wendy: Wait. Why do you have my roommate’s number?
Middleman: I have a good memory for numbers. I know lots of them.
Wendy: Why do you have my roommate’s number?
Middleman: I got it from your emergency numbers on your startup paperwork.
Wendy: My mother’s my emergency number. Why do you have my roommate’s number?
…
Wendy: Why don’t you just date my mom while you’re at it?
Middleman: Is she nice?

Personally, I think that’s a great joke, but Wendy’s in no mood for it. Fortunately, Lacey and Noser show up and free the trapped heroes.
Lacey and Noser earplugged-up and out of the way, Middleman and Dubby run to save everyone. Middleman punches Cecil while Dubby grabs the tuba. She starts running, but the gown’s too long and the tuba too big. She finally makes it to the railing and gets ready to throw it into the bay, but Cecil gets there quicker. He gets the drop on her, thanks to a conveniently located rope, and leaves her hanging from the rails while he runs to a gathering of guests.

Sweet Molly Brown! At least, that’s what Middleman says when Dubby nails the tuba and the tuba-ist with a harpoon in the nick of time.

Middleheart

Middleman can’t date Lacey. It’s not fair to Wendy, and it’s dangerous for her. So he dances with her and tells her they can’t be together, quoting Sam Boone from Ride Lonesome: “there are some things a man just can’t ride around.” Lacey cries, Middleman looks miserable, and Wendy looks sad for the both of them.

Then Lacey tells sexy bossman how Ride Lonesome ends: unexpectedly but perfectly. Just the way it had to.

I honestly didn’t think this show could have this much heart. I’ve enjoyed it for the cute factor and for its unapologetic goofiness, but it had only hinted at depth before tonight. There’s a good amount of chemistry between Matt Keeslar and Brit Morgan, and this is an unusual way to take that. I don’t know if this is going to resolve the unrequited romance between these two or not, but whichever tack Javier Grillo-Marxuach takes going forward should be fun to watch.

Shout-outs

Two different tracks of references tonight. First up and not so hidden, Titanic:

• Agents Harland and Wolff
• Edward J. Smith High School
• Molly Brown

And, westerns:

• Peckinpaugh Hotel
• 8660 Hawks Lane, Apt. 9
• Agents Boetticher and Kennedy

What did everyone else think?

R.A. Porter is an aspiring television writer who currently toils away in the software mines. He can be found at his personal blog and stalked on Twitter.

Fuzzy Porn

Lacey wants to watch SMACC (Supremo-Destructo Martial Arts Combat Channel), because the martial arts are the most confrontational of all the arts. But she can’t adjust their satellite dish and comes back in when Wendy Watson sees fuzzy porn. Turns out, it was just Varsity Fanclub. Then Lacey demonstrates her fandom by dancing along with the five perpetually pubescent harmonizers.

Pip drops by to invite the gang to his gallery show, Deus ex Pip, at The Gate. But, “his” paintings are Wendy’s! Uh, but the armed gorilla is still in the illegal sublet Wendy shares with another young photogenic artist. How’s the Pipster pulling this one off?

WW threatens Pip for copying her art work, but Pip comes right back at her with threats of eviction. From that illegal sublet.

Street Magic

A duck’s caught in a warp hole. That can’t be good. Middleman and Dubby disperse the crowd and bring the duck back to Middleman HQ where they discover it’s a perfectly normal duck, even if it’s a perfectly abnormal warp hole.

Ida gets on the Hadar to seek out an energy source large enough to open a warp hole. While she’s plugging in, Dubby and MM open a box with a Truth Bomb and a Concussive Stun Field Generator.

Feeling a bit down, she tells MM that Pip’s stolen her artwork.

There’s no negotiating with plagiarists, Dubby! You take credit for a man’s ideas you rob his spirit. Now, it’s one thing to forgo credit for saving the world as a Middleman, but art, and the artists behind it, are what make the world worth saving.

Ida gets pinged. Another Hadar starts scanning her and MM unplugs her. She blue screens and MM reboots her. Ida’s got an address: 1981 Lucas Drive, the home of Elliot Marshall.

The Biggest Little Fan

The nervous professor is at a loss in his lab. He doesn’t know what equipment he has or what any of it does. Also, the lab benches are really low.

When his daughter, Cindy Marshall gets home, Middleman and Dubby get a dose of high voltage from the foul-mouthed tween’s fingertips. Then she takes off, FAST on her bike.

Turns out Cindy isn’t the professor’s daughter. She showed up at his door one day and promised to get him tenure for his assistance. When he bit on her offer and started bringing her the equipment she demanded, she blackmailed him to keep it up or she’d spill about him stealing the equipment. After a year, the professor knows two things that stand out about Cindy: her lab, including a black box that needs a very powerful battery; and her room, festooned with posters for Varsity Fanclub.

Middleman’s a fan of country, but he’s “always been fascinated by the ability of pre-assembled sets of sub-masculine archetypes to tug at the heartstrings of a twelve-to-seventeen year old fan base.” And he knows all about Varsity Fanclub.

Ida calls on the Middlewatch and lets the sleuths know she’s found five more, incrementally smaller warp holes. Newark, Toledo, Albany, Kalamazoo, and Cleveland. The same as the tour stops for the Wholesome Fivesome. Tonight, they’re at the Metro Theater in town. So Middleman and Dubby head to the sound check before “that little girl sucks the band through a hole…in space.”

More Pip. Wendy is trying to suck it up to avoid confronting Pip and getting everyone evicted.

The Boys in the Band

Middleman and Wendy warn the boys that Cindy’s a threat. They’re willing to provide security, or even better, help cancel the evening’s show. Then Varsity Fanclub get their books. The first contains girls who’ve threatened to kill them, kill for them, maim them, or maim for them. The second book contains pictures of the parents of girls they’ve slept with. “David didn’t always have that cane.”

Ida calls on the Middlewatch to let Middleman know Cindy’s at Jolly Fats. Too late. Cindy blasts Ida and removes her battery. Dubby and Middleman return, and the tall one of square chin and spotless suit spots Cindy hiding up in the ceiling and uses the Concussive Stun Field Generator to knock her out. And Wendy, too.

The Rebel Alliance

Ida’s battery is now powering the black box. A box intended to close the warp holes. Middleman interrogates Cindy but gets nothing but name, rank, and serial number. And a whole lot more foul language. She’s got a really dirty mouth. Looking up her serial number in the ESDI – Extraterrestrial Serial Data Index – Middleman finds out that she’s a rebel soldier from a wartorn galaxy, who has been fighting against 5 notorious oligarchs.

A holographic message comes from billions of miles away through the Interrodroid 4000. It’s a message from High Aldwin, Supreme commander of the Clotharian Rebel Fleet. Cindy is on Earth to shut the warp holes, destroy the machine intended to create them, and kill the Pentarchs of Clothar. Wendy’s a little shocked to discover that “the boy band Varsity Fanclub is actually five intergalactic dictators.”

Middleman has no choice but to let Cindy free to complete her mission even though it means the end for Ida. Otherwise, the Clotharian Rebel Fleet will come destroy the Earth.

Middleman knows sometimes you have to take one on the chin. Just like Wendy is with Pip.

A Night at the Boy Band Opera

Wendy heads back to Middle HQ where Middleman is up at the lobby desk doing paperwork. With Ida gone, they’ve got a lot of new tasks to tackle. But Wendy has a surprise: concert tickets. Maybe they can find and destroy the warp hole generator before Cindy has to burn out Ida’s battery. Middleman had the same idea, but his tickets are way better.

In the audience, Middleman finally figures it out. The five Great Kazoos are using a Scream Harvester. “Only tweenage screams of ecstasy have the strength to cut a hole in space itself.” The stage is the warp hole generator. A warp hole begins to form above the stage and Middleman and Dubby run backstage to stop Cindy. She’s knocked out everyone back there, but been shot.

On the floor, bleeding out. Right before dying and disappearing, she says, “You wanna know the real bitch of it? I was two weeks from retirement.” Time’s up. Middleman’s got no choice. He activates the black box and shuts the warp hole, eliminating Varsity Fanclub in the process. Also eliminating Ida.

Deus ex Pip

Wendy, Lacey, and Noser show up at The Gate for the show of the stolen artwork. Lacey tells Pip that during his interview, she’ll be glaring at him. Her glare of guilt and truth. But sexy boss man showed up with the Truth Bomb.

Pip tells the truth on camera. All of the truth. Every last word. Lacey thinks it’s her burning gaze. Pip can’t stop. He acknowledges stealing the paintings and being a talentless hack before running out in fear. But Dubby takes advantage of the Truth Bomb. She asks Middleman a question…

Wendy: What’s your name?
Middleman: My name is…the same as my father’s.

Wendy goes back to work to say goodbye to Ida. As she’s leaving, she sees a large crate in the lobby. Pushing a button on the side, a fist punches through and beheads the Interrodroid 4000. Then Ida runs out and back to work.

Shout-outs

This week’s were all George Lucas-themed. I believe I missed way more than I caught, but here’s what I did manage to pick up:

• Rene and Marion
• The High Aldwin
• Ravenwood and Jones
• Howard the Duck
• Club Cairo
• 1981 Lucas Drive
• Henry Jones University
• Agent Brody
• The holographic message

The Very, Very Bad

Rumor has it that ABC Family pulled the plug on Middleman today, shutting down before shooting on the 13th and final episode. I hope this rumor isn’t true, but based on the time change and poor ratings performance suspect it is. Disappointing.

R.A. Porter is an aspiring television writer who currently toils away in the software mines. He can be found at his personal blog and stalked on Twitter.

Breakfast Time

On the balcony to the illegal sublet Wendy shares with another young, photogenic artist, she and Lacey are preparing for Art Crawl, a semi-sporadical festival of the arts. Dubby’s talking on the phone with her moms and Lacey’s a bit jealous. See, her moms – Dr. Barbara Thornfield, M.D. Ph.D. – is the absent type. But Lacey’s got Dubby to prop her up and keep her sane. She can always count on Dubby.

Snack Time

It’s Wendy Watson‘s first session with Sensei Ping. Sadly, we don’t get to see the master battler of the Clan of the Pointed Stick in action, we only hear him behind door number one. One hour of training – 59 1/2 minutes actually – and Dubby’s not dead. She’s thrilled.

That was awesome. That was the best thing ever. The teaching, the learning, the laughter, the bonding. I swept the leg!

Hammer Time

Lacey’s so happy. Dr. Barbara Thornfield, M.D. Ph.D. is going to show up for Art Crawl. After 45 minutes on hold, her mother said yes, though the doctor’s assistant broke onto the line to say she might not be able to go in case Henry Kissinger needed her. So Lacey will have the two most important people in her life at Art Crawl: moms and Dubby.

Of course something comes up and Dubby has to bow out for a bit of setup.

Nap Time

“Dubby, there is nothing cool about zombies.”

Bullet Time

But there is something cool about seminal British band The Zombies, led by Rod Argent on piano and Colin Blunstone on vocals. So when Middleman and Wendy Watson show up at St. Albans hospital to interview Mr. Argent about the attack he suffered at the hands and teeth of his wife, Dubby is of course Ms. Blunstone from Time of the Season Unlimited Mutual.

After hearing the details of the attack – trout gore all over Mr. Argent from fishing, his crazed wife biting him, his super-strong wife throwing their RV at him – MM pulls the curtains around the bed and pulls his gun. It’s going to be curtains for Mr. Argent. A quick convo with Dubby about the sad fate of the man follows until Mr. Argent cries out that he doesn’t want to die. Fortunate. “Zombies lack any sense of self-preservation.” Middleman cheerily lets him live.

Ida calls: zombie attack in progress.

Back at the hall outside the illegal sublet Wendy shares with Lacey, Lacey and Noser argue with neighbor (and bad artist) Pip. He’d like to perform his epic monologue “Hey Mr. God” for Art Crawl. No one wants to see that. Really.

Country Time

At the Grundy Fish Market, Mr. Argent’s poor, trout-craving wife is…what? Yes. I said this zombie craves trout. Anyway, his poor, trout-craving wife is on a rampage. Looking for trout. To eat.

Middleman tranqs her. With “enough tranquilizer to take down a Bengal elephant.” Oops. Two Bengal elephants.

High Time

Back at Middle HQ, we find out the zombie’s not a zombie. She’s got a heartbeat. Unfortunately, it’s accelerating a half-beat every 1005 seconds. They need to find an antidote before it explodes “like a sausage casing full of weasels.” Ida runs zombie-girl’s blood while the brown-clad heroes head to the Middlegarage.

Back at Art Crawl, things are going apace. Art’s getting hung, recyclables are being recycled, and Pip’s wearing a black track suit. All is well, until Lacey gets a call from moms. Henry Kissinger needs her.

Three-Quarter Time

In Middlemobile 2, MM is quizzing Dubby about her training. She thinks he’s jealous of her progress with Sensei Ping, but that’s not how MM rolls. He’s just proud as a new poppa.

Lacey calls to let Dubby know her moms won’t be making it to Art Crawl. Henry Kissinger.

“That guy! Cambodia, Chile, now Art Crawl?”

Quittin’ Time

At the Beechwood Park RV Park, MM and Dubby look for evidence. Ida calls MM with the blood work. She was bitten by a Peruvian Flying Pike. Its venom turns its victims into trout-craving zombies. Oh, by the way, while Ida and MM are chatting on the Middlewatch, Dubby’s fighting a Flying Pike in the background. If only she’d left it alive to make the antidote…

But that’s okay. There’s a tag on the fish from the Odessey and Oracle Fishery. Helpful bad guys, leaving clues like that lying around.

Big Time

At the fishery, MM and Dubby find a boatload of Peruvian Flying Pike. And then they find four men with shotguns. Dubby suggests Pain’s River – the first thing Sensei Ping taught her, even though it’s very complicated – and forty-seven seconds later the thugs are bound. Mr. White is running the operation, but the thugs have never seen his face.

Call fish and game, take a few live Pike back to MiddleHQ, and make the antidote.

And Dubby still has hopes of making it to Art Crawl which has already begun with Stump the Band. Noser’s awesome at Stump the Band. He stands on stage in his purple jacket holding his guitar close. The crowd yells out songs…he ponders…then says, “yeah, I know that.” Truly awe-inspiring!

A quick cure for Mr. Argent’s zombie-bride, and the Middleteam starts looking for Mr. White. But Dubby bails, claiming MM just wants busy work.

Lacey begins her performance before a rapt Art Crawl audience. MM buzzes the Middlewatch, calls on Dubby’s cell, and then shows up. While Lacey continues, MM tells Dubby a zombie attack is in progress. They exit, with Lacey on the verge of tears.

Past your Bedtime

Another zombie. Man, what is it with zombies? While the zombie recovers from the antidote, Lacey shows up at the Jolly Fats Wehawkin Temp Agency to express her anger to Dubby. So angry is she, that when MM comes out to drag Dubby back inside she doesn’t even flirt with him. He’s visibly wounded by that, but soldiers on.

Turns out the party girl-zombie had gone on a casting call to be a spokesgirl for !!!!, an energy drink that smells like Peruvian Flying Pike with a touch of trout. Oops. Someone’s got an insidious plan to sell zombie-making juice as an energy drink!

Prime Time

Downtown at !!!! Industries, the Middleduo find cases and cases and cases of !!!!. Plus vending machines and…Mr. White! The head thug from the fish hatchery!

A former poacher, he was attacked by a school of Peruvian Pike. One bit his neck and turned him into a zombie. A friendly native gave him the antidote and Mr. White devised his heinous plan to, as MM puts it, “concoct the perfect cocktail of aquatic addiction to make yourself rich by fish-hooking the world on your energy drink.”

He gets the drop on the Middlepair and drops trout on the pair. Then he lets loose his secret weapon: hot zombie spokesmodels!

MM and Dubby duck into an office where she apologizes for letting her good day with Sensei Ping go to her head. But MM’s not in it to say “I told you so”. He’s in it to fight evil. So they battle together, taking out the hot zombie spokesmodels with the Devil’s Dance. Kicks the crapola outta SYTYCD, I tell ya!

Time to rise up and greet the dawn

In Middlecar 2, Dubby learns what the second key is for: jet power!

Jail Time

Thanks to the jet power, they catch up to Mr. White and Dubby tranqs him in the nick of time. But Middleman steps on her line. So she gets a do-over and goes with “swift justice.” It’s all in her delivery.

Next Art Crawl? Zombie-themed.

Shout-outs

They were all zombie-themed this week, and all the ones I caught were related to The Zombies:

• St. Albans
• Mr. Argent
• Ms. Blunstone
• Time of the Season Unlimited Mutual
• Grundy Fish Market
• Beechwood Park RV Park
• Odessey and Oracle Fishery
• Mr. White

What did I miss? And what did everyone else think?

R.A. Porter is an aspiring television writer who currently toils away in the software mines. He can be found at his personal blog and stalked on Twitter.

Middleman is concerned that Dubby’s been thrust into the thick of it without proper grounding and training in all things Middle, so he’s tickled pink to help bring her into the fold. It’s not just about training her mind and body, but building l’esprit de corps. Unfortunately, DubDub’s a bit distracted this week. Turns out Ben, her über-douche boyfriend from the pilot who filmed their breakup for class, put it up on the DubDubDub. In one day, it’s attracted 750,000 hits. It’s a viral hit, for sure.

Let it All Out

Everyone – Lacey, Moser, even Middleman himself – thinks DubDub needs to express herself and release her pain. Lacey even tries to make her watch Dr. Gil. Then, just because she decapitates a training droid, Middleman even thinks she’s got pent up rage. Hey, she found out where the training bomb was from the training droid by going Jack Bauer on his shiny metal ass. That should be good enough!

Scotty, Beam me Up

A red ball comes in the Middle HQ: a woman disappeared from an upscale shopping center in an upscale part of town. Middleman and DubDub show up to investigate the strange goings on as Doc Emmett Brown and his assistant to discover with the BTRS (Beyond the Realm of Science) Device that she’d been transported away. She returns while they investigate…without her head!

At her family’s home, they find out this is not the first attack. Middleman doesn’t spill to his trusty sidekick, but he already knows they’re not of this Earth.

Manicoids are peaceful aliens who live among us. With faces like Joan Rivers and a taste for exotic jewels, they congregate in rich neighborhoods where they’ll go unnoticed. Unfortunately, someone has noticed them.

Heading to the plastic surgery clinic of Dr. Newleaf, Dubby plays it tough while Middleman is smooth as silk. He warns the good doctor that someone is hunting his people while Dubby stews outside. That’s the price of pulling a gun, even one the boss has put training wheels on, on the good guys.

Sly as a fox, Middleman gives Dr. Newleaf a gift of a Middlewatch. The better to track him with. Dubby’s upset at the tracking notion – a wearer of a Middlewatch herself – until MM explains it just always means he has her back.

Oprah’s an Alien Too, I Bet

Late that night, Dubby gets the signal. Dr. Newleaf has been transported away from his office. She and Middleman follow the tracer to Dr. Gil’s television studio. I knew there was something untrustworthy about that guy!

Dr. Gil has been hunting Manicoids for years, every since they killed his father. The fact that they killed his father by crashing on him in a ball of fire when his father opened fire unprovoked seems to have escaped the portly psychobabbler. Regardless, he’s got appearances to keep, so he long ago stopped hunting animals. Now, he just transports Manicoids to his private hunting preserve where he kills them.

Oh yeah. His transporter. He stole it from the ship that crashed. D-bag.

Arena

This episode is, like all episodes of the Middleman, a treasure-trove of geek references. This week’s are probably the most accessible to date, since most of them are Back to the Future shout-outs. I caught

• Lyon Estates
• Twin Pines Mall
• Emmett Brown
• Bufford Tannen
• Agent Strickland

I’m sure I missed a few others. However, the best geek shoutout was not to Marty McFly. Dr. Gil’s private hunting reserve is at Vasquez Rocks in LA County. Sure, lots of shows have shot there, but tonight’s is a specific reference to the ST:TOS episode “Arena”. Which is why it pained me that Wendy Watson didn’t just find some sulphur, salt peter, and gemstones and build herself a gun.

Thoughts? The show growing on you or gnawing at you? Personally, I’m a definite fan.

R.A. Porter is an aspiring television writer who currently toils away in the software mines. He can be found at his personal blog and stalked on Twitter.

Wendy won’t get paid until she finishes her training and Lacey’s a confrontational spoken word performance artist whose last show had an audience of two. One of whom was Wendy’s mom. Things are rough in the illegal sublet Wendy shares with another young, photogenic artist. That’s why Lacey is starting a job at the Booty Chest, the pirate themed sports bar with scantily clad waitresses.

Allez Cuisine!

On her way to Middleman HQ, Wendy’s crapmobile, a Kruk Bugbear, breaks down. A friendly musician, himself looking for a job, stops and helps her out. He’s a fan of the “poor man’s Yugo.” Turns out the young man had a job opportunity but his roommate lost the message. An opportunity at the Jolly Fats Wehawkin Temp Agency! Hmm. Wonder if we’ll see him again tonight?

At HQ, Middleman is stressing over Sensei Ping’s arrival. But O2STK (Middleman’s boss) has called with a Red Ball! La Cage du Lumière, which is the most complicated diamond in the world, was stolen. If you shine a light through it, it makes a “cage of light.” Middleman is verklempt, as he can’t leave Sensei Ping waiting at the airport, but duty calls and it’s off to the Metro Museum of Rare Antiquities.

Posing as Mossad agents, MM and WW show up at the museum. The director of the museum served in the Israeli army and asks in Hebrew whether MM is “a product of the Kibbutz movement.” Middleman responds right back in Hebrew:

A man asked me that question once.
I kicked his male reproductive organs into his watch pocket.
Now he must check the time whenever he wishes to copulate.

Huh. Maybe this is why ABC Family moved it to 10pm.

MM stays on the scene to investigate and sends WW off to pick up Sensei Ping (Mark Dacascos).

He’s a bit abrasive to our laidback sidekick, so on the drive back to HQ she quickly breaks the three rules MM had given her:

• She comments on his mask
• She comments on his age
• She brings up the Clan of the Pointed Stick

Sensei Ping does not take kindly to these affronts to his honor and swerves the car into the shoulder where they are quickly set upon by a group of Luchadores.

Oh no! The Luchadores used La Cage du Lumière, plus a high-powered energy beam emitter they’d stolen two days earlier, to trap Sensei Ping in a cage of light!

Wendy Gets Benched

Middleman wakes WW up and tells her to be prepared to leave the country in four hours. If Sensei Ping doesn’t make his traditional breakfast of chicken feet in 17 hours, the Clan of the Pointed Stick will send out three highly trained assassins to kill MM and WW. Wendy doesn’t think that’s very fair, but Middleman doesn’t care: “Ladida, Dubby. You must be mistaking the Clan of the Pointed Stick for one of the rational societies of paranoid celibate martial artists.”

Back in the illegal sublet Wendy shares with another young, photogenic artist, WW finds out that Lacey quit her job at the Booty Chest already. It was just a den for frat boys and gropers, and then a group of Lucha Libre wrestlers showed up. Aha! Wendy gets tarted up so she can go undercover at the pirate themed sports bar with scantily clad waitresses.

Ida scans for the high-powered Mexican laser, but it’s got the same power consumption characteristics as a Teledyne Water Pik with a custom high-output heating element and an aftermarket turbo power wash accelerator. There are at least five of those in the city, so Middleman’s got some legwork ahead of him.

At the Booty Chest, WW sees her dreamy musician hunk from the morning. He needed work, so he applied for a busboy job. He doesn’t want WW to talk to the Luchadores because they’re evil, not good Lucha Libres. He watched a lot of Lucha Libre growing up in Panama – his dad was in the military, just like WW’s – and knows these guys are bad. But he promises to get WW’s back.

While WW holds an atomic de-moleculizer on the big bad, he tells her that Sensei Ping and the Middleman are both to be killed. Out in the alley, wrestlers lie in wait with a Teledyne Water Pik with a custom high-output heating element and an aftermarket turbo wash accelerator. It’s a trap!

WW and the Busboy head to the alley, fighting Luchadores, but it’s too late. Middleman is knocked cold and taken to the Yucatan.

WW Has a Visible Jet

Wendy takes the Middlejet to get to The Dread Pyramid of Itzilichlitlichlitzl. That’s right, there’s a Middlejet. It’s parked above the Middleboat. And how does WW know how to fly it? Her father taught her, of course.

There’s two things I know how to do better than anyone. Painting abstract expressionist renderings of paranormal phenomena; flying any crate with wings and an engine.

The Luchadores believe Sensei Ping killed their former leader, but he did not. The two of them dueled for 25 days without dishonor. On the morning of the 26th day, he was felled by a heart attack. Sensei Ping took his mask as a tribute to the man he could not defeat. The wrestlers don’t buy it. Not that it matters. Sensei Ping demands his right for trial by combat. Middleman likes the plan, until he finds out he must be Sensei Ping’s champion.

Oops.

Middleman fights 100 men and does admirably until one gets him in a toehold. Fortunately, Wendy has parachuted into the pyramid and shoots the high-powered Mexican laser. She and Middleman stand aside as Sensei Ping finishes off the Luchadores, killing the final one with the Wu-Han Thumb of Death.

Payday

Poor Wendy. Cute boy got a concussion and has two-day amnesia. He won’t remember her at all. But Middleman does finally pay her. Plus a bonus: a brand new Smart Car. All in all, not a bad couple of days work.

This has to be one of the hardest shows to recap. All I want to do is quote it. Every single, eminently quotable line. What was your favorite?

R.A. Porter is an aspiring television writer who currently toils away in the software mines. He can be found at his personal blog and stalked on Twitter.

Middleman: Personally, I’ve never had emo that didn’t interfere with the job.

Wendy: I find that hard to believe. I mean that you’ve ever had emo.

Wendy Watson sure does have a lot of emo in this episode, too. It opens with our heroic sidekick bailing Lacey out of jail. Wendy makes smalltalk with the desk sergeant – as two battlers on the side of law and justice – while Lacey is brought out. She’d exposed herself in a sushi restaurant to open the eyes of the world to the dangers of high mercury levels. In frustration, Wendy calls Lacey’s protests “pointless pranks” and Lacey tells DubDub she has “no idea what it takes to save the world.”

Tired and cranky the next morning, Wendy drinks her morning java – conveniently produced from a compartment in Ida’s midsection – and debates with the Middleman whether she’s fit to perform. The argument is short, as a call comes in about a mudslide…inside a restaurant.”

Earth, Wind, and Fire Raining From Above

A little sleuthing and the text off a placemat help our duo of dynamism discover that a Terracotta Warrior has been set loose in the world. Middleman admits to an area of weakness and brings Wendy to his supernatural resource, Roxy Wasserman. Roxy’s a lot of things – successful business woman, head of a world-renown fashion house, purveyor of all things fur – but mostly she’s a reformed succubus. She fills in the blanks on the Terracotta Warrior.

An Earth elemental, the Terracotta Warrior draws its power from the Earth and can take any form as long as it is composed of earth. Middleman’s not happy: “Grapes of Wrath, Dubbie! Do you have any idea how much of the Earth is made up of earth?”

Roxy tells them not to worry. A potion of aquatic banishment can destroy the warrior, but it will take some time to get together the ingredients. In the meantime, they need to find the warrior’s target, the heir to the Ching dynasty. The warrior’s goal is to take the last living heir to the land of the dead and release a hail of fire to destroy the Earth.

While Ida works on locating the heir, Middleman brings Wendy by her apartment. Since they’ll be heading off to China to find the heir first, she needs to pick up some clothes. Wendy and Lacey continue their fight. Wendy tells Lacey she’s working with Roxy Wasserman and Lacey grows livid because Roxy’s single-handedly keeping fur in style. She grabs a can of fake blood from the fridge to go throw on Roxy’s furs and heads out.

Karl Lagerfeld with Breasts

Before Lacey can throw her blood-ette (nauga-blood? hemo-fauxbin?) Roxy asks for her fashion advice. Recognizing an idiot savant, she hires Lacey as her assistant on the spot. She puts her to work, getting the bottles of Tahiti water needed to complete the aquatic banishment potion.

While Lacey’s becoming a cog in the fashion-succubus machine, Wendy and Middleman are headed to Frank Herbert Junior High School (which oddly does NOT sit on a giant sand dune) to find Duncan, heir to the throne. On the way, Wendy tries to call Lacey to no avail. Middleman asks why, thinking she “solved her female problems.”

A quick fight – and a quick shout-out to the T-1000 – and our heroes take the kid and bolt to his house. When they get there, Lacey is waiting with the vial. Unfortunately for them, she “saved the world” by substituting the bottled water with tap. The Terracotta Warrior gets away with Duncan leaving Wendy and Middleman covered in mud. Not the good kind you go to a spa for, either.

The Road to Hell

The Underworld looks like an office building from the ’40s with Muzak piped in. An officious and flamboyant clerk tells Middleman that he just missed the Terracotta Warrior and points him on his way. Carrying the scythe that allows them safe passage in the Underworld, he runs to where the rite is being performed. But Wendy, carrying the vial, stays behind to ask the clerk to find a record for her father. She wants desperately to know if he’s alive or dead. But when she hears the yells from Middleman – only now realizing that he’s gone on without Wendy – she follows.

All three – Middleman, Wendy, and Duncan – run away from the Terracotta Warrior and to the elevator back to Earth. This time the potion has been correctly created and destroys the warrior, sending the threesome back to Earth.

The Earth is saved, the heir to the Ching Dynasty lives, but Wendy is no closer to knowing the truth about her father. She and Lacey make up, though. So she’s got that going for her.

R.A. Porter is an aspiring television writer who currently toils away in the software mines. He can be found at his personal blog and stalked on Twitter.

USA has been doing this for years, with Psych, Monk, and now Burn Notice. Even SciFi does it with the excellent Eureka. Now ABC Family is getting in on the fun with their new show, The Middleman.

I’d been looking forward to this premiere for a couple of weeks now, getting clued in from some reviewers I like and (I’m a little embarrassed to admit) ads in comic books. Based on the Viper Comics title of the same name, The Middleman is similar in tone and substance to Men in Black. A secret organization, advanced weaponry and technology, a recruit plucked from the general populace when she shows great acumen under fire, and aliens. And not just aliens: monsters, mad scientists, evil magicians…the gamut.

Created and executive produced by Javier Grillo-Marxuach – who created the comic along with artist Les McClaine – this show is a *blast*.

We meet and learn just about everything we need to know about Wendy Watson (Natalie Morales) in the first two minutes.

She’s on the phone with her mother, telling her about her job at a lab working with the top scientific minds in the country. She gets another call and puts her mother on hold: Wendy’s working reception. Back to her mom: “lots of art school grads get science jobs.” Another call, and in the lab behind her we see an explosion and a lot of smoke. Back to mom: “Yes mother. I am still dating that guy. And his name is Ben. No. He is not a homosexual. He’s in film school.”

By the time a giant, tentacled monster breaks through the glass behind Wendy, we’ve gotten to know a lot about her. And now we learn the rest. Unfazed, unworried, she tries to run by gets snagged by a tentacle. She grabs a letter opener and stabs at it.

The Middleman (Matt Keeslar) arrives to save her – not without a bit of humor about whom he’s saving – and that’s that. Wendy is convinced to keep the truth to herself and The Middleman disappears. I should point out here that I momentarily forgot I was watching ABC Family when Wendy asked “what about the hentai tentacle monster?”

The Middleman isn’t necessarily the nicest guy, however. He does steal Wendy’s Zippo (a memento of her father who disappeard mysteriously) and use it to frame Wendy for the “gas main” accident at the lab. This makes her unemployable by any of the temp agencies in town and she’s forced to turn to the Jolly Fats Wehawkin Temp Agency – a front for the Middleman and his sidekick, Ida (Mary Pat Gleason) the very grumpy android.

Once she’s passed her series of increasingly frightening tests – typing, IQ, polygraph, stress, some kind of crazy-helmet-and-video, ESP – she finds out the truth. This leads to this great exchange:

Middleman: You ever read comic books?

Wendy: Yeah. I think Jughead’s a real hoot…Powers, Fell, Astro City, The Spirit, X-Men – old school, not Ultimate – Mouse Guard, and the Flash.”

Middleman: Barry Allen or Wally West?

Wendy: Do you want me to leave?

Ah, nothing quite hotter than a super-cute girl who digs comics.

On the Job

Understandably upset that she was set up, she takes off. Goes home, puts on some emo music to paint by…then turns on something that actually rocks and paints the tentacle monster. Realizing she’s got no job, no prospects, and lives in a world where aliens, monsters, and mad scientists exist, she meets her new boss at the crime scene.

Someone’s bumping off all the mobsters in town. Some careful detective work – they find a banana peel and then analyze it, and if you don’t know what kind of villain we’re dealing with, you haven’t been following along – leads them to the culprits. Off to Simionics LTD where they meet Jack Bauer’s ever-competent Chloe (Mary Lynn Rajskub). I always figured she’d be a mad scientist. And that’s surely what she is. Wendy puts it best: “Genius primates. Because that’s a problem that needed solving.”

One of the gorillas has “gotten lose” and is killing off all the mobsters in town. In the end, poor Spanky the Gorilla is less Gorilla Grodd and more unwiling pawn of a mad scientist. Chloe couldn’t really help it, though. Every year, the government gives her less and less money for her research. She needs to complete her research so she can realize her dream “to build an army of genetically engineered super-apes to take over the world.”

One completely non-gratuitous Planet of the Apes reference later and the case is wrapped up.

This show’s a blast. Kid-friendly, yet not kid-only.

This is about the closest I’ve seen to a live-action comic book in years. It’s funny, witty, doesn’t take itself too seriously, and doesn’t slow down from start to finish. My one complaint is that Matt Keeslar might need to step up his aerobic routine. He’s running out of breath on some of the more word-packed lines. And they *are* word-packed. Like Gilmore Girls x 2.

All in all, a fun show that I recommend as light summer filler.

R.A. Porter is an aspiring television writer who currently toils away in the software mines. He can be found at his personal blog and stalked on Twitter.

It’s been getting some good reviews, and IO9 calls it the most anticipated superhero show since Heroes. Of course, I’m not sure much else in the same genre has come out since then, but still.

Here’s how IO9 describes it:

Instead, it’s all about a straight-edge crime-fighter who drinks milk and battles outlandish foes including Chinese Terracotta warriors and Mexican luchadores. And his sidekick Wendy, who’s an art student and office temp who becomes his equal in the saving-the-world biz.

It’s on ABC Family, so I’m not sure how great it’s going to be, but the trailer is below to give you a taste and I’m recording it tonight just to check it out.

The show is actually adapted from a comic book series of the same name, which you can read more about over on Wikipedia.